i wish my penis had a tongue
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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