I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
