i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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