she smelled like a LAN party
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
