I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
