I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
