Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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