why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
