i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
