my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
