broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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