So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
