Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
