You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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