I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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