we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
