I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
