What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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