Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
