pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
