My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
