if i can run in heels then i can drive
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
