Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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