Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
