I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
