Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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