why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
