This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
