just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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