So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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