you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
