i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
