used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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