We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
