goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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