I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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