you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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