One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You pole danced in your parka.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
