If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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