I think I won the penis lottery.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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