"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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