I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
