We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
