i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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