I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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