Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
