her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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