Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i barfeds in our rink
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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