A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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