does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
