I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
