god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
