it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
